This article appeared in this month’s Spring Branch Plus Magazine.

While I will never claim that I am a “Halloween expert” I have managed to figure out that there are certain approaches to the “holiday” that will make your evening go a little more smoothly. I present them here as a series of suggestions on how to approach this “holiday”.

Do: Hand out candy. I know, I know, our kids eat a ton of junk on the daily and letting them collect a garbage bag full of processed sugar is the last thing any of us want to see, but you do not want to be “that house” (see more below).

Don’t: Buy candy you like. This perhaps is obvious, but you don’t want to tear through an entire bag of Snickers before the first kid even shows up.

Don’t: Hand out a “healthy” or “logical” alternative. Doling out mini boxes of raisins or bags of pretzels is just not going to cut it unless your goal is to be seen as the lamest parents on the block. Although that “honor” could go to the house that hands out nickels or worse, toothbrushes.

Do: Hand out the candy yourself. Yeah, I know, there are countless other ways to spend a Thursday evening, but it is one night out of the year and it is part of the social contract of the night. I’ll leave it to you to determine what to do when a “kid” who is clearly seventeen, shows up with no costume, holding open a pillow case, and demands a treat.

Don’t: Leave a bowl of candy unattended with a note “Please take just one!” While most kids will follow the dictum, there is one kid on your block (you know who it is) who will dump the entire bowl into his bag without batting an eye. And then everyone else who comes to your house will either think you were a dope or be pissed. Or both. What’s the best way to get egg off your shutters?

Don’t: Click on any article by supposed wine “experts” that claim to have the “perfect” or “ultimate” wine pairings for Halloween candy. I would love to track down the first schmuck who wrote such an article and blame him or her for the demise of Western civilization. Every year since that first foray into fatuousness, there has been a slew of such articles by seemingly everyone who owns a corkscrew. Listen, if you are contemplating raiding your kid’s stash to pair with a bottle of wine, it might be time for a life coach. (Also, please do not look at my October column from last year.)

Do: While you are outside passing out candy to all the little terrors in your neighborhood, be sure to have a bottle of wine at the ready for personal consumption. And if you are walking around with your little devil (or angel, or Deadpool), be sure to carry around a goblet, particularly if you swing by my house where I will gladly fill your glass, maybe with one of these:

Concha y Toro Casillero del Diablo Red Blend ($10): From the largest producer in Chile, this red always punches above it’s weight. No, it’s not going to change your life, but it will certainly help you get through the evening. The legend goes that the founder of Concha y Toro, Don Melchor, needed a way to prevent the townspeople from stealing wine from his cellar. So he invented a story that the cellar was inhabited by the devil. Me? I would have bought a better lock.

7 Deadly Zins ($15). The ubiquitous brand was created by the Michael David Winery of Lodi, California and quickly became the most popular Zinfandel in the U.S. (about 300,000 cases sold per year). Michael David sold the brand in 2018 and it is now owned by The Wine Group (they really took some time to think up that name). The brand now has a 7 Deadly Red Blend and a 7 Deadly Cabernet Sauvignon.

Freakshow by Michael David ($20). Once Michael David sold 7 Deadly Zins, the winery elevated the Freakshow to their flagship brand. The wines are big and pretty boisterous and come in four “flavors”: Cabernet Sauvignon ($20), Chardonnay ($18), Red Blend ($20), and the Old Vine Zinfandel ($18).

Silver Ghost Cabernet Sauvignon ($38). Even though the “ghost” here refers to the 1909 Rolls Royce automobile, no one needs to know that, particularly after they taste the wine; it’s fantastic. Owned and made by a fellow Houstonian, this is always one of my favorite wines of the year.

Piper Heidsieck Champagne ($45). OK, this wine has absolutely nothing to do with Halloween. There is no spooky connection (as far as I know), and there is no story handed down about how the cellars are haunted. No, I just like it. And it will be what I’ll have in my glass on Halloween.