Last week, I tried to figure out when I started mentioning bottle weight in my tasting notes. It has certainly been for several years now and I distinctly remember being out on a bit of an island when I began mentioning it. Now, others much more prominent than I have also taken up the cause, Jancis Robinson, Karen MacNeil, and Dave McIntyre, to name three.

For far too long, many in the wine industry have believed that heavier bottles help sell wine; that consumers are stupid and with absolutely no evidence they think that a heavier bottle equates to a better wine . Have you ever seen someone in a wine store, trying to decide between two bottles, hold one in each hand, lifting them alternatively to try to determine which was heavier?

I know I haven’t, and I spend about half of my waking hours (and some of my sleeping hours) in wine stores.

Why do I care? Well, there are the obvious environmental impacts for starters. I realize that there are still(!) some out there who don’t think global heating is a thing, but talk to a winemaker, just about anyone will do, and ask them if they are concerned about rising temperatures.

Even if you don’t give two shakes about the environment, you probably care about your bank account. And heavier bottles cost more to make and transport, and they are a murder on the backs of employees who have to move them about. The excess weight does absolutely nothing to enhance the wine, but some wineries still insist on bottling their wines with these monstrosities.

I have always said that if you think you need an obscenely heavy bottle to sell your wine, you are wrong. What you really need is a better marketing department.

A while ago, I settled on 600 grams being right on the cusp of “heavy”. Anything at or above that mark, I deemed to be unnecessarily weighty, and those bottles below were “better” (all else being equal). Being a bit of a data geek, I realize that the 600g mark is arbitrary, but I envision that it is pretty close to the mean (average), and I figure the standard deviation has to be around 50-75g.

What that means is about 2/3 of all still wine bottles probably weigh between 525-675g and 95% of all bottles are in the 450-750g range.

What I have included below are tasting notes from five (plus one) bottles that top 1200 grams (or eight standard deviations above the mean). Why? Well, I like to think of them as my Wine Wall of Shame. Not for what was actually in the bottles (all but one were quite good), but for the bottles themselves. Not surprisingly, perhaps, all but one were Cabernet Sauvignons and half came from Napa Valley.

Clocking in at close to twenty pounds together, empty–yikes.

Most Shameful

2006 32 Winds Cabernet Sauvignon, Napa Valley, CA: Retail $100. What A Stupid Freaking Bottle (1230g; 2lbs 11.4oz). Dark and brooding in both color and aromas with intense balm fruit: blackberry, dark plum, and black raspberry. rich, even unctuous, and layered, I could probably wax on this wine for some time but I need to run off to the hospital since the weight of this bottle just ripped my arm out of socket. It also, single-handedly raised the average temperature of the planet by at least a half a degree. this might be the most stupidly, irresponsibly heavy bottle I have ever experienced. Stupid. #DoBetter 93 Points.

Runners Up

2018 Ancient Peaks Oyster Ridge, Santa Margarita Ranch, Paso Robles, CA: Retail $60. Big. Ass. Bottle. (1204g; 42.3oz–almost three pounds, for goodness sake. This might be one of the heaviest bottles I have ever tried to lift.) 75% Cabernet Sauvignon, 9% Petit Verdot, 9% Malbec, 5% Cabernet Franc, 2% Merlot. OK, wow, this bottle is off the charts ridiculous. I really, really, really want to love this winery–they have a great story and seem to be doing everything (else) right, but holy mother of God, this is an obscene weapon of environmental destruction. Back to the wine: rich and brooding, laden with dark fruit (cassis, plum, blackberry), mocha, and earth, this wine is particularly compelling. The palate is all of that and more with luscious fruit, a balancing tartness, and a finish that lingers for days. Almost as long as the physical therapy that will be required to recover from lifting this bottle. Holy crap. #DoBetter 93 Points.

2017 Locanda Wines Cabernet Sauvignon, Beckstoffer Georges III Vineyard, Napa Valley, CA: Retail $180. Obscenely Heavy Bottle (1214g; 42.7oz). Under cork. Really, really, really Big. Ass. Bottle. This might be the heaviest bottle I have ever tried to lift. The wine, even after several hours open, was incredibly tight but eventually, with considerable coaxing, I picked up some dark berry fruit, mostly blackberry, cassis, and a touch of plum. Add in some spice, black pepper, and some dark earth, and the nose is pretty darned attractive. The palate is also rather shy initially, but the fruit blossoms after a handful of hours open, which is accompanied by a balancing tartness and mostly integrated tannins. There is enough of that tannic grip on the finish, though, to suggest a long life ahead, at least a decade. Which is about how long I will need to train to be able to lift a case of this wine. #DoBetter 93 Points.

2016 Tenuta Sant’Antonio Campo dei Gigli, Amarone della Valpolicella, CA: Retail $75. Obscenely Heavy Bottle (1215g; 42.7oz). 70% Corvina/Corvinone, 20% Rondinella, 5% Croatina, 5% Oseleta. Really. Really. Big Ass. Bottle. This bottle is just absurd. It weighs close to three pounds, empty. Absolutely ridiculous. I did not waste my time checking to see if this winery claims about “sustainability” since the bottle proves that they do not give the slightest crap about the environment. Yeesh. I’m so ticked off, in fact, that I’m really close to not even bothering to evaluate it. Rich stewed dark fruit on the nose with chocolate, clove, and just a host of wonderful aromas. Yowza. The palate is rich and layered with plenty of acidity and significant, although silky, tannins. This is a fantastic wine, but I vow to never buy it because of this completely ridiculous bottle, easily the heaviest I have seen that came from outside the U.S. I can’t imagine how those tiny Italians were able to lift these bottles. #DoBetter 92 Points.

Dishonorable Mention

I choose to add two more bottles to this alarming list even though they did not breach the 1200g threshold. Don’t get me wrong, these are still among the bottom 1% when it comes to bottle responsibility at over 1000 grams, so I include them here since they seem to be trying to get to that 1200g level. In addition to its stupid bottle, one of them was also corked. Yikes.

2016 Echeverría Cabernet Sauvignon Limited Edition, Central Valley, Chile: Retail $25. Obscenely Heavy Bottle (1088g; 38.2oz). Obnoxiously. Big. Ass. Bottle. This wine was corked, not terribly so, but corked, nonetheless. What was worse, by far, was how ridiculously heavy this bottle was. Holy-you-know-what. Why not just admit you have absolutely no regard for the environment and build Hummers? #DoBetter Corked.

2019 Titus Cabernet Sauvignon Reserve Family Estate, Napa Valley, CA: Retail $115. Obscenely Heavy Bottle (1025g; 36.1oz). Big. Ass. Bottle. 95% Cabernet Sauvignon, 5% Petit Verdot. Holy mother of Jesus, this is one heavy bottle. Does it weigh as much as an arm? Yes? And then some (depending on your arm). #DoBetter Holy Crap the bottle is weighty. Ouch. But the wine? Dark and inky in the glass with a funky mélange of blackberry, plum, cassis, and funk (I love the funk). The palate is fruity, even lovingly so, with a bit of funk and an ounce or two of tannin. I really like the wine but the planet really hates the bottle.#DoBetter 92 Points.

I think putting them all on the scale was a bad idea…