So for some time now I have been considered somewhat of ‘the wine guy’ among most of our friends and acquaintances. Sure, there are a few of them that think they are wine guys[i], but at the risk of sounding conceited or competitive (these are two legitimate criticisms of my personality for those keeping score), they aren’t. I’m not entirely sure I am either, but come on, I’m the only one writing a blog that I know of.
So what does it mean to be ‘the wine guy’? If you are taking the time to read this blog, I imagine you are yourself ‘the wine guy’ or know someone who is. Thus, you likely already know that when you are ‘the wine guy’ people call you all the time to ask about wine:
- Some examples:
- “I am in the wine store, what should I buy?”
- “I have this bottle of Dom Pérignon that has been in the fridge for about five years. Should I drink it?”
- “I just got an email and I can get a bottle of 2005 Pétrus[ii] for $10K, is that a good deal? What should I do?”
- “We are about to sit down for Thanksgiving dinner, what bottle of wine should we open?”
- “My wife left a case of wine in the trunk for 6 months. Do you think it’s still good?”
- Usually by email or text: “What do you think about the wine that is up on Wines Til Sold Out [or any other flash site] right now, should I buy it?”
- Answers to the above:
- I would go with some wine. I tend to lean toward being a smart aleck, so this is what I would say first but I really need more information like: “I am making dinner for my date tonight, we are having Spam sandwiches, and I am hoping to get some action, what should I buy?”
- Yes, but you should have drunk it about 4 years, 364 days and 21 hours ago. Now, it probably tastes a lot like that leftover Chinese food that has been in there for the past six months.
- Um, how the heck would I know? First of all, Pétrus is mostly (95%) merlot and I do not drink a lot of merlot. More to the point, I do not have that kind of cash. How about buying a case of this or this, or even this, give me $1K for being your ‘wine guy’ and put the rest here.
- You should have thought about this a loooong time ago Sparky. Well, maybe just 15 hours ago or so since all the wine shops are closed now. And since I have 6-7 glasses in me already, I’m sure as shootin’ not coming over to bail your sorry butt out. If you have any wine in the house, open that. Trying to find something perfect for Thanksgiving is a crap-shoot at best anyway. Besides, Aunt Betsy and Uncle Cletus are just ticked off you don’t have any Coors Lite—they could not care less what wine you open.
- Are you talking about the wine or the status of your marriage? Doesn’t matter, the answer to both is ‘nope’.
- Well, in the time it took to find my phone or respond to your email, the wine is likely now gone. Next time just buy it and if it stinks, you can blame me.
Don’t get me wrong, I do like being the wine guy, really; I like trying to help people with their wine conundrums (I have been known to hang out in the pathetic state stores here in PA helping customers since the paid employees know less than nothing about wine). On the other hand, too many people (myself included) spend far too much time trying to make sure everything is perfect. One of the beautiful things about life is that we get a do-over just about every stinking day. Sure, you might be trying to impress someone: a date, a boss, an in-law, your mah-jongg club, who knows. In that case I have a secret for you: spend more money. I know that might sound a tad simplistic, but if you are trying to just impress someone, unfortunately, people are impressed with how much something costs. There is also a rather strong correlation between quality and price (and not just in wine). For the most part, though, almost all of the wine that you find on the shelves that costs at least $8 a bottle (heck, even box wines can be good) is going to be technically ‘good’ (i.e., not ‘flawed’). Sure, you might not like it, but that is a question of preference. In other words, it is hard to go wrong these days.
There is a little more to being ‘the wine guy’ than that, of course. Wine guys spend an inordinate amount of time reading about wine. We spend more time than we need to sifting through all the emails from all the online wine retailers. And we also drink a heck of a lot, so most of the time we are drunk or well on our way to being so. As we all know, once drunk, people seem to have way more confidence than they really should.
So it may seem as though the secret about being a wine guy is rather simple: a little education, a lot of time wasted online, and a lot of misplaced confidence. Thus, a potential recipe for “How to become ‘the wine guy”: Figure out what kind of wine you like, read a bit about it, mess around online a ton, get loaded, and then spew all of the pretentious nonsense you “learned” to anyone who cares to listen. They will think you are a freaking wine genius or a “true wine connoisseur” (that last link was a video–look closely at about 1’57” and you see me walk in the door–I am the tall goofy guy).
In the end though, all of that will only get you so far. Above all else, “the wine guy” needs to love wine, love to learn, have a bit of humility, and want to help people. Hopefully I will learn those things at some point.
[i] I use ‘guy’ as a gender neutral term since I truly believe that women and men are equally capable of being into wine, so don’t get on my case about being a sexist or chauvinist—I have enough personality issues for you to criticize without adding to the list.
[ii] Pétrus is a really ridiculously expensive wine from Bordeaux. I have never tasted it, nor do I imagine I ever will.
the drunken cyclist 
Finally, a place where I can ask my really important wine questions since I am the one who had the ’89 Dom Perignon that was refrigerated (on and off) up until the time we drank it in 2009. But it was not I who dragged this bottle from state to state but a family member (really). I have to say we were worried that it may have turned into rot, but we drank it anyway (a very small amount). It was rot- stinky smelly nasty old sock bottom of the hamper rot. It did not go very well with the meal I had planned, it was such a waste I had to taste. I live with someone who likes to ask me questions about the wine I’m drinking. Like do you get the “coffee” or “how do you like the finish”? Quite frankly, I wish I could answer these questions confidently- but I wing it. I get the citrus, the berries, the hints of whatever… but never coffee. I have a pretty good nose- it’s a nice size and I consider myself a decent cook. I would pass one of those blindfold taste tests I’m sure. Food is comfy, sit back enjoy your meal, I don’t care if you don’t know what it is… does it taste good? Wine is different. So I’m happy to have a forum to ask my questions. I’d like to ask my beloved if he gets the hints of …….. That’s where you will be very handy. I will send you my wine list- and hopefully you can help me with the ‘wine talk’.
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Hi Gina! Thanks for my first official comment. Ask away, I would be happy to help you if I can! As for the ‘coffee’, next time he asks if ‘you get the coffee’ just say: “Coffee? Really coffee? I am not picking that up at all. Boysenberry for sure, but not coffee.” Remember, there are no ‘right’ answers here! Unless I disagree with my wife, of course, then I am most certainly wrong.
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Pingback: The Champagne Guy Part I–Corked | the drunken cyclist
Reblogged this on the drunken cyclist and commented:
I realized last night, while trying to come up with a post for today, that my blog passed its two year anniversary at some point earlier this month. This caused me to read a few of my earliest posts to see just how bad they were. I was surprised that they were not all that bad, but certainly edgier–I initially cursed quite a bit in those earlier posts (but I have since decided that if you need to use dicey language to be funny or witty, you are likely neither). So, I cleaned this early post up a bit and decided to reblog it today. Coincidentally, I originally posted it two years ago tomorrow. Be sure to let me know what you think.
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It’s not a bad post at all 🙂 I think you nail quite a lot of the trappings of being the “wine person”. I would have added “There, pick the wine at the restaurant” and “Oh, I’ll let you open the bottle since you’re the wine guy”
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Ha! Yes, those are two great ones! My wife will send me a photo of the wine list when she is out at dinner for work….
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In an unfortunate turn of events (for you), this post has does two things for me. 1. Made me laugh. 2. Made me want to ask you even more obviously inane wine questions in the future. Also, I may start using the information I learn on your blog to become a fraudulent version of the wine girl.
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My réponses to you: 1. Glad it got a chuckle. 2. Ask away–I really do not mind! It is just hard for me sometimes to repress my inner snakiness.
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You absolutely nailed it. In particular, I like the part about what really makes a ‘wine guy’ – interest, a lot of wasted time, and practice Great post. And congrats on 2 years plus.
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Yes, a ton of wasted time, and thanks!
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Haha, this is great.
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Thanks!
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I will never bother you with a text or email, but i do print off your What We’ve Been Drinking This Week lists when I head to the wine store. They help immensely, since I’m a beer drinker and my only standard for wine is: hmmm, that tastes like, um, wine. Between your lists and Meg Maker’s articles I feel like an old pro at my Bottle King.
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First, you can text/email any time! Second, I am humbled to be included in any way with Meg Maker!
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Congrats on your two years!! Great post BTW….
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Thanks! Cheers!
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Congratulations on 2 years of posting your wine blog. I have only been at it for 11 months and it is hard for me even think about having been at it for 2 years. It is easy for many of us to relate to this post, especially to Antonie’s comment on picking the wine at the restaurant. It happens all the time, as late as last night in fact.Your short stories on Sunday about your son are just terrific. We all enjoy your blog please keep up the great posts.
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I actually found it hard to believe it has been two years! And thanks for the comment about Sundays Are For Sebastian!
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Congratulations on being the Wine Guy and for writing for two years, that is quite an accomplishment. This was a great post, and I think your Michigan edge permeates in the humor and witty asides that you toss around. What no Petrus? I agree that is one wine that seems to have eluded me as well, since I know no one that is pouring it, but I think that I have stated that I do like a Merlot. Keep up the great work, and perhaps we can meet the next time you are visiting your family.
– John
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Thanks John! We should definitely get together the next time I am out!
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You have to be one of my best finds in blogland if for no other reason, you make me laugh. I’m definitely not a wine guy. Someone else always claims that title and is not always good at it. I do know what I like. Does that count?
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Aw shucks, you made my day! And knowing what you like is the only thing that counts!
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Love this. Your responses crack me up. Laughing trying to think of what wine goes with “hoping to get some action.”
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Thanks! Yeah, my response to that is “Magnum”.
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Congratulations on 2 years! The thought of coming up with that many posts is a little daunting- thank goodness I get away with only posting once a week. What a great first post- is the original still in original condition in the archives or did you completely clean it up when you re-blogged? It would be interesting to compare the two…
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I had to clean it up a bit–more from a language aspect than style. I decided a while ago to stop using bad language for effect. I feel that if I need to resort to that to make a point, I am not trying hard enough….
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Great, funny blog. Happy annniversary! PS good bubbles ‘gets some action’…
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Thanks! And so right you are!
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Dear Mr. Qualified,
Thanks for bringing smiles to my face, the largest of which was learning that you some times hang out at/in PA State stores and render advice to unsuspecting wine buyers. Can we clone you? 🙂
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Ha! Not sure anybody wants that!
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I’m enjoyed this blast from the past. 🙂
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