Last October, on an otherwise perfectly normal Friday, I published a piece in this space bemoaning the current state of wine writing. In that post, I mentioned six articles that I had come across that were particularly painful to read for one reason or another.

Well, unfortunately, I am back, a scant five months later, to point out another batch of journalistic gems that border on malpractice. As I mentioned last October, I do not pretend to be some sort of grand poohbah when it comes to writing in general or the subject of wine in particular. I also understand that many of these writers are struggling to get by in a world now seemingly dominated by “influencers” and soon to be overrun by artificial intelligence.

But.

Come on.

Among wine consumers, there appears to be a burning question that needs to be addressed repeatedly: how many glasses of wine are in a bottle? In October, I lamented the fact that some poor schmuck wrote over 600 words, ultimately arriving at the conclusion “It depends on how big a glass of wine you pour.” This “new” article, which appeared in Food and Wine, was entitled “How many glasses of wine are in a bottle? The answer may surprise you.”

Oh boy. My first response was “no, it will not surprise me, not even slightly, since, well, math.” But it got worse. The subtitle? “It’s a more complicated question than you might think.” Again. No, it is not complicated and really does not require much thought other than, well, math. Yet this author typed out over 600 words and once again came to the shocking conclusion: it depends.

The next literary gem comes from The Takeout, about which I know very little (and after a quick perusal of the site, it appears a large portion of the content of the site is dedicated to fast food). This article, “Yes, McDonald’s can be paired with wine”, seemed to fall in line with the site’s general ethos. The basis of the author’s article, it seems, was an influencer’s take on the subject. So I went to the influencer’s “Insta” to delve a bit deeper.

After seeing her post “Recent outfits I’ve worn in wine country and what I’d rate them” (one skirt was rated “100000/10” in case you were wondering) I cried a little but it made the McDonald’s pairing “article” seem a little less offensive. A little. In this article, the author stresses that one needs to assess the “fat content…, acidity, flavor intensity, and spice level” of the menu item before determining the perfect pairing.

If you are evaluating the fat content of a Big Mac in order to choose the “right wine”, you are both missing the point and clearly have issues. Let me make it simple: if you are looking to pair wine with your Double Quarter Pounder, you are clearly single (or in a destructive relationship) and likely depressed. Buy a cheap Prosecco and pray that no one sees you.

Next up, a couple of articles from Business Insider, written by a tasting room employee (“Mistakes people make at a wine tasting, from a server” and “Things more people should do at a wine tasting, from a server”). Having visited countless tasting rooms over the years, I clicked to make sure I was not making a fool of myself (always a possibility, just ask my wife). It turns out that the two articles were essentially the same (did she get paid for both?). And it boiled down to three things: don’t be rude, don’t be messy, and leave a tip. There, I saved you some time.

“Skip The Wine And Get Your Host Another Bougie Foodie Gift” is another article from that bastion of journalistic excellence, The Takeout. (Yes, I clicked on a link that included the word “Bougie” and I am embarrassed by it.) Basically, the author states that it is risky to bring a bottle of wine as a gift to a dinner party and instead suggests bringing a bottle of olive oil. OK, I love good olive oil as much as the next guy, and I wouldn’t actually mind it as a gift, but the premiss is a non-starter; a bottle of wine is an appropriate gift to a dinner party (unless, of course, you know that the host doesn’t drink, but then why would you be going there in the first place?).

There also seems to be considerable angst for some when they think about gifting a bottle of wine to a known “wine guy” (like, I dunno, me?). I have written about this before, and my short answer is: don’t worry about it at all, wine people love wine, and as long as it is not a “gag gift” (think Mad Dog 20/20), you will be fine.

Last, I came across a slew of articles in TastingTable and, yes, The Takeout with grandiose titles such as “The Absolute Best Wine Pairing For Classic Chili”, “The Ultimate Wine Pairing for Tortilla Soup”, and “The Ultimate Wine Pairing For Rich And Creamy Chicken Pot Pie”. There were a ton of such articles, a ton, and each one cited our favorite influencer (of McDonald’s pairing fame above) as the source of the article. And despite the promise of a singular answer for each pairing, the author offered a range of options as “absolute best” or “ultimate” pairings. I get it, it’s all clickbait (and it worked on me) but it is also sloppy writing, no? If you state there is an “absolute best” then proceed to give some broad generalizations (“maybe a Cabernet Sauvignon that isn’t too tannic, or a Merlot from a good producer”), you really are just throwing at a dartboard, aren’t you?

Unfortunately, I will be back with more soon. Far too soon.