Lost amid the bizarre hubbub surrounding Florida Governor Desantis’ executive order allowing the sale of wine bottles larger than one gallon (I know Florida has some dumb laws but…) was the fact that Texas Governor, Greg Abbott, wants to effectively declare war on Champagne.

Not an actual war but he is proposing (and seems to have considerable support in the state legislature) a ban, starting in 2025, on all sparkling wine that is closed with a traditional “champagne cork”.

This all seems to stem from his niece’s recent wedding when, at the reception, there was a mishap while opening bottles of champagne. According to witnesses, the caterers at the wedding had loaded up several bottles of champagne onto a cart to wheel out to the reception hall for the traditional wedding toast. Before wheeling the cart out to the guests one of the employees (at this point it is still unclear as to who), removed all of the foil and cages, presumably in a time-saving effort.

The agitation provided by the wheeling of the cart (they had to cover quite a distance, purportedly) and the fact that the wine was likely not sufficiently chilled, were enough to cause several of the bottles to expel the corks rather violently. Said corks cascaded around the reception hall, crashing into wine glasses, chandeliers, and even some of the guests in attendance, causing at least one trip to the emergency room.

Sure, they look harmless…

One wayward cork struck the bride just above the left eye, causing, according to one eye-witness, “a considerable welt” and caused the bride to exclaim “my wedding has been ruined!”

In the melee that followed, several guests approached the governor pleading with him to take action, claiming that while horrific, the situation could have been considerably worse. The following Monday, the governor called an emergency meeting with many of his more trusted advisors and demanded they draft legislation that would ban the sale (both retail and on-premise) of any beverage that “was closed with a cork (either natural or synthetic) that could be expelled without human interaction.”

We drink a ton of sparkling wines, so much so that this bill might cause us to move out of the state.

According to multiple reports, the proposed legislation states that starting with the 2025 vintage, all wines sold in Texas must be opened with a “special apparatus” (i.e., a corkscrew or bottle opener). Failure to comply with the order will result in immediate confiscation of the offending product which would subsequently be bussed to another city, one that is more accepting of what the governor called “dangerous” packaging.

So far, there has been no response from the Comitié Champagne, the region’s trade group but pressure is mounting for a legal challenge should the bill become law. 

On the other end of the debate, a representative of the American Corkscrew Makers of America, Sydney Finch, was quoted as saying “Fantastique!” as he anticipated a rather dramatic increase in demand for corkscrews in the Lone Star State. 

A few of my corkscrews.

For many TSA agents across the country who are on the front lines of people trying to smuggle corkscrews on to planes, however, this is potentially cause for heightened awareness. “I hope everyone sees what is happening in Texas [with the ban] and it causes considerable alarm” as one agent (who requested that I not use her name since they are not supposed to be friendly with travelers) recently intimated to me as I quizzed her on the way through security. “You would be surprised how many people have tried to hijack a plane with a waiter’s corkscrew. Sure, that tiny blade might not look all that menacing, but in the right hands? You bet it could take over a plane of 500 people! Now there will possibly be even more of them in the air? I am not sure we have enough officers to handle this looming catastrophe.”

Another agent, again requesting anonymity, was a bit more measured: “Sure, those things [i.e., corkscrews] have been known to wreak havoc on planes, that is why Homeland Security has rightfully demanded that we confiscate them. But they also make great gifts and if they are more coming through security, I will be acquiring a lot more of them…. I guess I can just cancel my Amazon Prime membership come Christmastime.”

I will provide updates to this developing story.